24 GAY PEOPle's ChronICLE FEBRUARY 7, 1997
ARE YOU DEPRESSED?
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There is no out-of-pocket cost to you.
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BIG TIPS
My lover yells weird things in the heat of passion
by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone
I just got a big ol' root canal yesterday, and laying flat with my mouth jacked open 180 degrees for two hours gave me far too much time to think:
"What the heck is the hygienist doing back there with that scraper? Scrimshaw? For all I know, I now have a tiny whaling vessel etched on a back molar. That stuff doesn't show up on X-rays . . . If they have dog food that makes its own gravy, why don't they have cold cereal that makes its own milk?... Yeah, poets may get no respect, but that's a lot cheaper than being scorned for being a lawyer... Neosporin heals up wounds so quickly; what would happen if I got some on my nostrils? ... OCedar: what is that? The brooms' national anthem?... You know, this doesn't really hurt that-aaaaaaaaaah!" Actually, in the end, nothing hurt as much as the bill.
Dear Big Tipper,
Let me start this letter by saying I love my boyfriend so much, it's heartbreaking to see. I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
That aside, he's started doing something lately that's confusing me. We've always been energetic in bed, and made an average amount of noise, usually non-verbal. Aside from moaning, though, the sex talk has usually been limited to directions, higher, harder, the usual.
Well, in the past month, my lover has taken to yelling weird things in the heat of passion. Two nights ago, right at a peak moment, he shouted, "Slap my heinie, Mama's comin' round the mountain!" This of course completely distracted me, and then I started to laugh, and then he did, and we spent the rest of the night trying not to laugh. The sex was definitely over for the evening.
It doesn't happen every time, but this is new, and I don't know what to make of it. Have you ever heard of this before?
He'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain
Dear When He Comes,
Wow! I'm glad I don't live in the apartment above yours. You know, sex doesn't always have to be serious, and it sounds like he's just becoming more' playful with you, or letting out some stuff that's not as carefully screened. It sounds like you're just shifting to a new level of intimacy.
Obviously your honey really trusts you to let go like he does. I wouldn't worry about this new, vociferous side to his personality unless you actually stop having sex because of it. It sounds like he has some interesting stuff going on inside his head. Why don't you ask him to let you in on some of it?
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Dear Big Tipper,
Please offer some encouragement. I'm trying to talk my girlfriend into letting me use a dildo on her. She says it's too strange, and that all we need are our own bodies to do it the way nature intended, but sometimes my hand gets tired and sore. It's not a size issue, since she's a "four finger or more girl. I think she just needs to get over the "hump," so to speak. What might be a good way to convince her?
Dear Mano a Dildo,
Achy Breaky Hand
I have to say that I personally look askance at the "as nature intended it" argument, since that would preclude our contemporary enjoyment of Dippity-Do, lobster-shaped electric lights, and Combos.
That said, it is hard to introduce something new into our beds. We're supposed to natively know what to do, be naturally moist enough to do it, and flexible and clever enough to impart an infinite variety of sensations upon the fortunate, grateful and naturally moist recipient of our attentions. Phew, that's more than we'd ever expect from any other part of our life.
It's okay to use Pam on the waffle iron, read a Time-Life book on how to wire an outlet, and use an Allen wrench to assemble your new furniture from Ikea. It's no different to pick up some Astroglide lube, read The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex to figure out where exactly your urethral sponge is, or use a dildo because your hand is tired and pruney, or maybe because it can do the job a different way that's worth checking out.
Ask your girlfriend exactly what it is she doesn't like about the idea. Maybe she just doesn't want you to strap it on for now. That's easy to avoid. Maybe she just thinks she won't think it's sexy, or that she'll laugh. Go buy one, set it on the bed, and both of you point at it and laugh. Then throw it in the nightstand drawer, and it'll be there next time you'd like to try. Once something's in the house, and handy, you'd be surprised at how the walls come tumblin' down. Give her time. Good luck.
Dear Big Tipper,
This is half question, and half just something I want to get off my chest. I'm a smoker, and at this time, I have no desire to quit.
I understand non-smokers not wanting me smoking in their face, but why is impossible to smoke anywhere indoors? It's freezing outside in the winter, and I need to go stand on the porch every half hour whenever I'm visiting anyone.
Why couldn't we smoke in the bathroom with the window open? Or right by an open window? Sometimes even smokers themselves don't smoke in their homes. Isn't that crazy?
Dear Freezing Your Butt Off,
Chilly Smoker
Here's the cruel paradox of smoking: Anyone who says it isn't sexy is lying, but it's also gross and it affects people who haven't chosen to smoke, or who have chosen not to.
You have the right to choose how to treat your own body, but secondhand smoke really doesn't all go out the open window, or stay on the smokers' side of the restaurant. Try writing to Marlboro and asking them to do a promotion of wrapping packs of cigarettes in mufflers and mittens.
Send your questions on life and love 10 M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101; or fax 10 216-631-1082; or e-mail to ChronOhio @aol.com.